Moleman's Epic Rap Battles 16: Shinji Ikari Vs Rorschach
by MolemanNineThousand
Summary: Two epic(ally messed up) heroes of deconstruction have it out in the Season 1 finale of MERB! See the video here: /watch?v mAWemp5rv3A


**VIDEO HERE: watch?v=mAWemp5rv3A**

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**MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**

**SHINJI IKARI…**

**…VS…**

**RORSCHACH!**

**BEGIN!**

**Shinji Ikari:**

Expecting a breakdown? I'll do no such thing this match:

I'll display all of my pain and suffering like a bloody badge

As I show the world my true worth as the greater deconstruction;

Teach this so–called "tortured" soul the _meaning_ of dysfunction!

I'm anything _but_ aloof, but I'll provide eternal proof

Of my superiority to any Charlton spoof…

…Oh, what's the point in trying; who am I even fooling?

I'm almost as fucked up as this maniac I'm dueling!

…Wa-wait, No! Get it together… you mustn't run away;

Just remember all that stuff from Warhammer 40k…

…Oh, wipe that look off your inky face! You don't understand me,

And I'd expect no different from a murderous vigilante!

I'm the better person here, and I say that with rare confidence;

I'll be the first to admit to my cowardice and incontinence,

But compared to this ungodly sloven, I'm Adam and Lilith's freaking gift to women,

With scoring from Beethoven… though, then again, you've got Bob Dylan…

…Look, how my story ends is something no one seems to know,

But I'm pretty sure I didn't become a bloodstain in the snow!

And speaking of blood, forget your smiley face of doom,

'Cause that's nothing next to the mark that I left on the moon

When I… _Oh God_, the horror; the sea of human orange juice…

…Oh man, I can't do this; it's hopeless, there's no use!

I'm a _terrible person_, and I ought to be _dead_;

Oh, maybe I should have let them send in Rei to rap instead...

**Rorschach:**

Rorschach's Journal, December, 2015:

The streets echo with the cries of this teenage drama queen.

Definitely perverted; no need to inspect further:

Jerks off to girls in comas and clones of his own mother.

Like Pagliacci, he's a sad, pathetic, self–loathing clown,

And while men get arrested, dogs get put down,

And tonight, a little _bitch_ dies in Tokyo–3 City

For the crime of having the sheer NERV to mess with me!

Gaze upon my face, and I stare back from the abyss;

I'm cruel like an angel when I spit out my thesis:

If my "battle" with this emo waste is meant to be a joke,

That's sicker humor than what the Comedian evokes!

What are you, stupid?! To step to me, you must be!

I live in ebony and ivory, like Fearful Symmetry;

Well I may be a psycho, but I guess that's better than being weak–willed!

I'll go Third Impact on your face, and see to it that You Can (Not) Rebuild.

And on faces: even without mine, I'm one cool ginger;

Don't bother crying for help, 'cause you know what I'll whisper.

While you're sulking in depression; I dish out righteous aggression!

I'm based on Vic Sage, and yet there's still no Question

That the end is nigh for this whimpering little whiner;

One minute to midnight on his personal doomsday timer,

And as he speaks last words, a new world record will be set:

The first person in history to _flunk_ the Rorschach Test.

_(Cut back to Shinji doing what he does best: sobbing like a whiny little tool)_

**ANNOUNCER: SHINJI, _GET BACK IN THE FUCKING ROB– ERM… BATTLE!_**

**Shinji Ikari:**

_Aaaugh, okay… alright, alright, I'm fine…_

Listen here, Mr. Short, Slim, Smelly and Scary:

I'll disgrace you so badly, you can call me Happy Harry!

I'm not locked in here with you, nor are you locked in here with me;

I realize now that both of us are screwed up _equally_,

And yet in spite of my faults, I at least know who I am,

While you hide under a dress-cut mask, you schizophrenic sham!

Why _do_ I pilot the Eva? That's not even consequential,

Because just like Ren and Stimpy, I'm way existential!

I'm the one who's misunderstood and worthy of sympathy;

You're just a stubborn sociopath of unwarranted popularity,

So haul your vagrant ass home on some passing garbage truck.

Your basis said it best, Walter: "Rorschach sucks."

**Rorschach:**

Hurm, convenient. Suddenly you discover your testicles,

And like your balls themselves, the change is barely perceptible.

Even now, you make poor old Daniel look like yours truly.

Your arguments are as full of nonsense as _Fooly Cooly_!

Don't go off about your so–called existentialist philosophy;

It's phoned–in: all for show, like that religious iconography!

You're delirious again, Ikari; get a freaking grip

Before I break your fingers _off_, like _Tales from the Crypt_!

Would say I'd snap your spine, too, but pretty sure you have no vertebrae;

Would go as far as calling you the Willy Loman of anime,

While I even exact justice when I go to take a dump.

I'm like a full–time berserker, so come and get me, chump!

_(Cut again to Shinji, now in the midst of yet another breakdown)_

**Shinji Ikari:** _I… I can't do this… help me! Somebody, help me! Somebody, anybody, please?! I'm begging you!_

_Son, I am disappoint. Yet, you have served your purpose here, and now, just as planned, I will be the one to finish this…_

**Gendo Ikari:**

Out from behind closed doors, I emerge to take the floor;

Heart hardened like an EVA's core, frigid like the Cold War,

Yet I rely on Children no more as I step into the fray

To hijack this verbal melee like the schemings of SEELE!

Yep, it's Gendo, baby, and though my son's a super–wimp,

You'll find the apple falls far, because his dad's an uber–pimp!

Any Akagi will attest that I'm one manly ladies' man;

Looking _boss_ with my shiny shades and steeple–clasped hands.

Such is my power, I've even run for office _in real life_,

While you're a bigger fool for "justice" than I am for my dead wife,

And though you boast brutal brawling skills and crude grappling gadgetry,

I'm close to David Xanatos in my mastery of gambitry!

You beating me has a one–in–a–billion probability;

Like your one–man war on crime, it's an effort in futility,

Yeah, I got bit in half like a Liu Kang fatality,

But I flow rhymes so seamless, call it rhythm Instrumentality.

I penetrate your mind and soul like Arael; I don't relent,

Because my sync rate with this beat is over four hundred percent!

Why turn all of humanity to one big puddle of orange?

It's simple, really. The truth is, _!

Forget that asshole Joffrey, I'm the king of bastard–kind,

And Francisco Scaramanga's gun has nothing on mine,

'Cause I can one–shot anybody, anywhere, any day;

That's right, it's Gendownage time! Brian, take it away!

**Brian Johnson:** FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK…

_*Gendo fires gun*_

… WE SALU– _*Record scratch*_

_(A caped figure suddenly jumps out in front of Rorschach, seemingly taking the bullet for him before landing sprawled on the ground… and getting up moments later, discarding the projectile from his bloodied hand.)_

_You know, I wasn't really sure that would work…_

**Adrian Veidt:**

Well, folks, this sure has been quite a wild show we've had,

With a psychopath, an emo, and his deadbeat dad.

Here's hoping you've enjoyed the ramblings of these three stooges

As your host wraps up our evening; alright, let's do this!

My name's Adrian Veidt, and as I take over this fight,

I'll try keeping things polite; just call me your white knight.

I'm an enterpriser, mastermind, self–made billionaire;

Feast your ears upon my funky words, ye mighty, and despair!

Yo "bastard king", think you can beat the _king_ of kings?

I'll make you as my puppet; watch me tangle all your strings:

You've put a bullet in my palm, and my hand is badly bleeding,

But at least it's not implanted with any alien seedling!

Strike you like a Thunderbolt with extraordinary grace;

Make you look like Walter White, fallen flat on your face.

I had the balls to do whatever it took to save mankind;

I'd tell this little coward that, but he already seems resigned.

And Rorschach, do we really have go through this again?

There's a whole book on me beating you: it's called _Watchmen_,

And don't say your journal took me down, 'cause that's a load of drivel;

Nobody can even read, much less _believe_, your tome of scribbles!

My Karnak base is cold, but my rhymes flow red–hot;

Slicing yours clean in half like the Gordian Knot!

As the world's smartest man, I'll put this bluntly as I can:

I won this battle half an hour before it began.

**WHO WON?**

**WHO'S NEXT?**

**I DECIDE!**

_(To the tune of "A Cruel Angel's Thesis")_

**MOLE–MAN'S EP–IC RAP–RAP–RAP–RAP–RAP–RAP BAT–TLES! MOLE–MAN'S EP–IC RAP–RAP–RAP–RAP–RAP BAT–TLES!**


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